The Tragedy of CV-6 the Romantic
by PointlessArrow
Summary: Have you ever heard the tragedy of CV-6 the Romantic? I thought not. It's not a story that the Admiralty would tell you… A crack fanfic where Enterprise goes postal.


**A/N:** This crazy idea came into my head at 5 am in the morning, and even though it's an absolute crack fanfic I thought that I might as well post it, considering how long it is. Note that appearances for many of the characters are inspired by KC, Pacific, and AL where possible.

I should probably get back to writing some proper, more history-inspired enterprises (pardon the pun)...

* * *

 **Disclaimer:** No limbs were lost writing this story.

My actual headcanon about Enterprise is 1000% more sane than written here. I blame sleep deprivation for creating Postal!E.

* * *

Aoba was enjoying her weeklong stay in San Diego. Sure, it wasn't quite home, and her ability to report for the Aoba News Network was considerably strained (Akigumo's satirical cartoons would have to do for now), but there was always some entertaining sight to see.

Such as watching Admiral Ernest Caldwell brace for the inevitable hellweek that was "Movie Marathon Nights." It was apparently bad whenever superheroes were involved, and even worse when lengthy franchises such as Star Trek aired, but the one series that he feared most was Star Wars.

"So why exactly _do_ you dislike Star Wars marathons?" the kanmusu asked him, recorder in one hand and pen in the other.

"You mean our ship girls don't dare trouble the JMSDF with their space shenanigans?" the elderly officer cast Aoba an incredulous eyebrow. She shook her head, causing him to turn redder than an erupting volcano.

"Why, the little-!" he quickly stopped himself. "You mean you haven't seen our submarine girls try and reenact lightsaber duels with torpedoes?"

"No."

"Or watch our carriers try and duel each other while lava surfing?"

The brown lenses of Aoba's signal lamps nearly popped out of their sockets.

"NO!"

"Well, I pray that you never do," Admiral Caldwell gave an exhausted sigh. "Though I fear that one day you will. It's almost inevitable. The cheesy one-liners, the heroic near-suicidal attacks that make our ship girls go all dreamy-eyed… the moment that yellow crawl shines in their faces, I know they won't be sane for the next _month_."

" _Ahem._ " The tiny battleship that was Caldwell's secretary for the day coughed loudly.

"What is it, Kearsage?" the aging man groaned, feeling a massive headache coming on.

"I'm afraid that Olympia shipped over New Jersey's collectors' editions this morning. Furthermore, Gambier Bay polled the base on the next movie, and the decision to watch _The Phantom Menace_ was met with thunderous applause."

There was a deafening silence as Caldwell's face grew paler and paler. Aoba quickly sat him in his office chair before he collapsed to the floor.

"It has begun," he croaked.

* * *

"10…9….8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…0! Annnnd, nothing."

"Thank God, Aoba," the American Admiral sighed in relief, placing his hands in his lap. "The critical period has passed without as much as a whimper."

"But it's only been three days!" Aoba protested. "What about the other twenty-seven?!"

"If I haven't seen any aspiring Sith Lords or Slave Leia cosplays by now, then we're without a doubt safe."

"In that case…do you mind if I meet up with Hornet? I've been meaning to catch up with her all year."

He immediately scowled at her. "Might I remind you of Rule 29316, Section IV, Article A, Paragraph 9, the 16th Sentence? Right after the clause 'No ex-Soviet Shipgirl shall reconvene the Comintern,' it states unequivocally that 'the Union of Ship Girl Reporting Agencies and other aspiring journalists shall be deemed heresy and dismantled on sight.'"

"I meant Hornet the Elder (CV-8), not Hornet the Younger (CV-12)."

"Hornet the Elder? I mean, while it's a welcome surprise…are you sure you don't mean the Essex?"

"Extremely certain."

"In that case," Admiral Caldwell cracked a small smile. "I don't see why not. What could possibly go wrong?"

* * *

"In other news…MIKAUR up by 2% (there's some promising bright frost on that mountaintop), BISMARK up by a _whopping_ 500% (there's a forecast of a certain battleship getting swordfish in her stern by the end of the week if y'know what I mean~), KITOOI down by 40%, AKAGA up by 30%-"

 _Creak._

The blonde twintailled carrier towards the door with intense annoyance, but her frown quickly turned into a hungry grin as she got a better view of the carrier dorm intruder.

"Do you have it?" Hornet whispered eagerly. Aoba nodded.

"YESSSSSSS!" the Yorktown screeched in delight, throwing her table across the room and barely missing Saratoga's sleeping form in the process.

"For SecNav's sake you're still on air," Langley facepalmed.

"Oh…I am?"

Aoba, Langley, and Yorktown (who was glancing suspiciously from the heavy cruiser to her youngest sister) nodded again.

"Oh…well~…"

Hornet calmly picked up her microphone off Saratoga's smokestack (it too had been a casualty in the carrier's overjoyed state) and held it beneath her lips.

"-andthatit'sfortonightfolksbye!" _Click._

"So…" Hornet glanced about the room shiftily. "Do you have the evidence?"

"I do. For both of them."

"Would you say the implications…are undeniable?"

"It's extremely damning." Aoba handed her a thick manila folder. "I thought it wise to keep my findings private, so I held off until I met you in person to share them."

"Share _what_?" a fairy growled as he emerged from Saratoga's bridge. As comically small and tinny his snarl was, it nevertheless caused the quartet to jump nervously. Before them was not just any crusty old officer, but Enterprise's self-proclaimed father, Fleet Admiral Halsey himself.

"Well…" Langley fidgeted with her hair nervously, "it's about Little E…"

"I figured as much between the disapproving bobs of Yorktown's tricorn and the maniacal gleam in Hornet's eyes," he grunted. "Well, spit it out. What is it?"

"She's fallen for a kanmusu~"

"A _kanmusu_?"

The warm approving smile on Halsey's face immediately vanished. He understood that bygones should be bygones, but he was extremely reluctant to give the stamp of approval on a former enemy. Especially one that in a previous life may have emotionally traumatized his adopted daughter.

"We can't be _too_ certain," Aoba said quickly, attempting to sooth Halsey's impending wrath, "but I, uh, did some 'investigative journalism' and came across this…'anonymous' doujin request to Akigumo."

"I've heard quite a few things about your 'journalism,'" he snapped as he inspected the incredibly-detailed, not-safe-for-work drawing request form Aoba placed before him. "But the naiveté expressed at the end is definitely characteristic of her."

Halsey shook his head slowly as he reviewed the damning document.

"Someone needs to tell her that signing it 'CV-6' does not make it more anonymous…and this language…oh my…I certainly didn't teach her _those words_ …What else is there?" he demanded.

"But Admiral Halsey…" Yorktown opened her mouth in protest. "If you keep studying Aoba's compilation, only more evidence about her lust will you find."

"Which is exactly what concerns me," he replied, flinching slightly as Hornet offered her own 'evidence,' a slice of Enterprise's browsing history. "I can't look any more." At those words, Saratoga stirred and stood up from her bunkbed.

"You talking about E's romantic enterprises?" She mumbled between yawns.

"You _knew_?" Halsey whirled about incredulously.

"I thought you knew, my old commander," she smiled softly in apology. "There were times in the middle of the night when E would wake up, look at me or Hornet, salivate and nosebleed uncontrollably, and then suddenly say 'oh, it's you. I thought you were someone else' innocently before going back to sleep."

"I certainly did _not_ know…and now I fear that Enterprise has become a…a…" he clenched his fist bitterly, "I'm only going to say that word in hell…"

"a _yan~dere_?" Hornet cooed in a sing-song voice.

"NO! Yes," Halsey sighed in defeat. "Where is she now? I need to talk with her at once."

"No commander," Saratoga gently seated him beside her. "I can sense your conflicted feelings. On the one hand you're happy that she's fallen in love, seeing that she never got to enjoy her childhood when Pearl Harbor happened. On the other you still see her as your daughter, and feel responsible for her wellbeing. I'll go. Hornet, Langley, Yorktown, come with me. A cornered lovesick carrier is a dangerous carrier."

"What about me?" Aoba protested.

"You watch over Admiral Halsey. Make sure he doesn't do anything crazy while we're gone."

"Do you think it's Yamato or Zuikaku that she's smitten with?" Langley asked Saratoga as the four carriers walked down the hall.

"Honestly?" Saratoga smiled apologetically. "I just can't stop thinking about the betting pool we made on either EZui or Yamaprise. Once we're through with E, one of us is going to be rich."

"But who will it be?" Langley mused. "The teacher, or the mother?"

* * *

" _Whatcha' lookin' at?"_

" _Gah!" she instinctively_ _shielded her laptop from her sister's eager green eyes. "Oh…just…art."_

 _Yeah, 'art.'_

" _Oh…ya mean like Pixiv and stuff?"_

" _Y-y-yeah."_

 _Lies. Not that anyone needed to know that._

" _Cool!" Hornet beamed and gave her the peace sign. "Though," she paused and looked at the red-eyed carrier thoughtfully. "Have considered searching danbooru? Akigumo and Ark Royal upload some pretty interesting stuff on there."_

And that much was true. There was Akigumo's slice of life series, Ark Royal's hilarious Candid Bismarck™ collection, and an adorable "what if Shiba Inus could serve in the JMSDF" story.

But beneath this cute façade lay the true power of the dark side of the danbooru. Enterprise dared not say it out loud, and in fact reddened slightly in embarrassment at the very thought. She was born into this world to serve and protect her people, not ogle at below-the-waterline images of her foreign counterparts.

 _Sniff._

Though it was really, really, really hard not to nosebleed at some of these images.

 _Sniff. Sniff. Sniff._

The carrier serenely reached for her hundredth tissue and pretended that she was suffering from an itchy nose, not the fact that she was having a literal meltdown from the imagery overload. In all fairness some of the subject's features were often exaggerated or drawn quite poorly, but every now and then there was a picture worthy of being bookmarked in her…'Interesting Things' folder on her browser.

Like that one.

Enterprise sighed dreamily and favorited it without a second thought. It was a good thing that Atlanta was responsible enough to be able to single-handedly shoulder destroyer duty for the day, for it meant that she could engage in her guilty pleasure in an empty room all by herself.

Oh, and with a very horrified Saratoga, Yorktown, Langley, and Hornet.

Wait, what?

Oh.

Shit.

 _Click. Click. Click._

She frantically Alt-F4'd out of her browser faster than the speed of light and covered her still-bleeding nose innocently.

"Sister Sara, I take it that it is dinnertime already?" _Like hell it is,_ she thought, _but maybe Saratoga will buy it_? "I must say that you're here quite sooner than I expected."

"E," Langley choked out between horrified gags, "we saw everything."

"What?" Enterprise paled to a ghostly white. "But I closed out everything."

"Not the window, Enterprise," Saratoga smiled awkwardly.

"What do you mean the wind-" her eyes widened to the size of dinner plates in realization.

 _She had forgot to open the window, and so everything on her screen immediately reflected on the glass behind her!_

"Now E," Langley put up her hands up in self-defense, "we understand that ship girls express their love of other ship girls very differently. But I've only seen that level of adoration in _cartoons_. It didn't scare me then, but it sure as hell scares me _now_."

"In the name of the peace of the United States Navy, your internet privileges will be revoked, Enterprise," Yorktown said sternly.

Hornet sent the experienced carrier a _That's a really, really, really, bad idea, sis_ look.

"Are you threatening me, Big Sister?"

Yorktown was taken aback by the newfound boldness in Enterprise's voice. It sounded nervous, but also ominous…and sinister.

"N-n-no," Saratoga smiled once more in apology. "None of us are, E. The Admiralty will decide the exact sentence."

Enterprise's red eyes shone brightly in excitement.

"But I am the admiralty!" she protested as she fished about in her trench coat's pockets before producing a neatly folded document. "See?"

"I've seen the document before, E," Yorktown sighed, "but you are the acting commander of this base only when Admiral Caldwell or another senior commander is incapacitated. Seeing as Admiral Caldwell is doing just fine, you are not the admiralty."

The ominous feeling in Yorktown's stomach became a black hole as Enterprise took this revelation in deafening silence.

Then, Enterprise stood up, but this wasn't this sister that she had known and fought alongside with. Her blond hair turned a glassy grayish-white, and her bright red irises transformed into an emotionless, all-seeing purple.

"It's over then," Enterprise said firmly, reaching back to pull out her bow.

"W-what?!" Yorktown stammered. Since when was her sister so scary, and why was she holding her rigging like _that?_

 **"OWARI DA!"**

As Enterprise came barreling towards them, Wildcats in one hand and Devastators in the other, Yorktown realized that she had really, really, _really_ fucked up.

* * *

"-so yeah, Pallada was screaming Bloody Mary when she saw Aurora's choice outfit for _that_ ," the black-haired battleship smirked as she stirred her black tea.

"I can only imagine, Mikasa," Missouri shook her head in agreement. "Though I am surprised that you agreed to voice yourself in _that_ _game_ of all things."

"Well, what can I say?" She wagged a spoon at the camera. "Hood insisted that it was rife with inside jokes, and as I'm getting to know you lot better I can say I agree. I just don't understand why my portrait had to have…well, bovine features."

"You look like the Cow of Kantō!" an off-screen voice cooed in support. "Channel your inner Tokugawa Ieyasu!

"Shikishima…" Mikasa massaged her forehead. "One moment please, Missouri."

"Any time," Missouri gave a thumbs-up in approval. Video-calling the Yamato sisters and the IJN pre-dreadnoughts was always so relaxing. Even after a long day, Yamato's I-totally-did-not-just-empty-this-rice-cooker-what-are-you-looking-at facial expressions, Mikasa's snarky comments, and Musashi's awkward attempts to reposition the camera to account for the massive height difference between the two could put a smile to her face.

"Sorry about that," Mikasa chimed as she returned on-screen. "She gets really excited whenever she's in the presence of newer battleships."

"No kidding. I still remember the time she debated with New Jersey whether battleships could be called carriers because they carry shells."

"Indeed. That was a debate for the-" suddenly Mikasa, Musashi, and Yamato's all stared intently at Missouri's face.

"Was it just me, or did I just imagine that?" Mikasa whispered to Musashi.

"No, I definitely saw that," she grunted in affirmation.

"Saw what?" Missouri glanced down uneasily. "Is there something on my uniform?"

"No, but we could have sworn that we just saw an entire carrier task force get thrown out a fourth-story window behind you."

* * *

He huffed and puffed as he sprinted down the hall as fast as his fairy legs would let him. To hell with Aoba's warning, his little girl was in danger!

 _Dammit, why were fairies so small?_ _Why was everything so slow?!_ he screamed internally as he scaled a mountainous staircase. A walk that could take him mere minutes dragged on for what seemed like hours.

It took forever for him to find someone with _some_ inkling of where she was, and then an eternity to find Little E's little hideout.

He played a thousand scenarios in his head on how he would find Enterprise. Hurt, in pieces maybe. Perhaps she had even gone full abyssal, a thought Halsey shuddered violently at.

None of these simulations prepared him for what he actually found upon crawling under the door. Enterprise was cowed and sprawled out timidly atop the windowsill, with Saratoga apologetically standing over her, Tommy Gun in hand.

"No! Don't hurt me! Please!" Enterprise begged, raising her arms over head.

"SARATOGA! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Halsey shouted.

"Commander, it's a trap…I have to keep her in this position until Admiral Caldwell arrives…she's too dangerous to be left any other way!"

"Don't listen to her!" the ghostly Enterprise whimpered. "She and the others were plotting to confiscate my hard-earned memorabilia!"

"Because there's no other way." Saratoga shot back. "Commander…Hornet…Yorktown…Langley…Enterprise defenestrated them!"

"She did _what_ now?!"

"I'm sorry father, I didn't mean too! I'm sure Vestal and Medusa can fix them up!"

Holy hell. His little daughter did _not_ just chuck three carriers out a window. And yet, perhaps because of how comically Romeo and Juliet the entire situation was, he couldn't help but erupt into loving yet mad laughter.

"E…if you're fond of this ship girl so much, why don't you tell her yourself?"

"Tell her…myself?" Enterprise repeated incredulously.

"Yes…you have my blessing."

"Commander…" Saratoga began, but it was too late. Enterprise gave a soft sigh as if she was relaxing, and then gave a childish giggle.

"Love her! I LOVE HER!"

The carrier turned to face her adopted father, all shreds of sanity gone from her purple eyes.

"LOVE! BURNING LOVE! THE FULL POWER OF MY OBSSESSION IS BURNING LOVE!" Without further ado, she rolled out the window after her two sisters, bounced on the concrete, and immediately began steaming off into the Pacific.

"Commander, Commander," Saratoga shook her head as Halsey continued to stare out to sea. "I wasn't going tell her no, I simply was going to remind her to _moderate_ her love."

"Moderate her love?" he chuckled softly. "Perhaps I've always raised her to be like Kongō. There's a reason why New Jersey wouldn't touch a hair on my head with a twenty-foot pole. E's an extremely caring carrier, and used to ah, express her disapproval of others by chasing them down…in a friendly manner of course. That said…I was expecting her to write the Jap, er, Japanese ship girl, a love letter, not gallop off to that island nation. Now what?"

"We'll have to chase after her. I'll tell Admiral Caldwell to assemble the fleet."

* * *

"Ah, wintertime, the most joyous time of year," the War Demon sighed in satisfaction. For some peculiar reason it became customary for those blasted, traitorous ship girls to offer parlay in late December. Not that she was really complaining: her latest offensive had epically failed, so this was the perfect opportunity to regroup and start the campaign anew.

Oh, and it was also the perfect time to give her vassals presents.

"Reppū?" The airfield princess pointed hopefully at a small, rattley box stowed beneath a whale carcass.

"Who knows?" the War Demon shrugged and playfully patted her head. "You can't open any of them for a few more days."

"But I want Reppū," the small abyssal whined.

"Wait and see."

"I'm afraid I'm _not._ "

The abyssal general turned around and was horrified to find an arrow-plane aimed dangerously-close to her very essence.

"G-G-G-Ghost," was all the War Demon could stammer as the ship girl from hell gazed into her very soul. As a seasoned hellfiend they were few things that scared her, but the American carrier who brought balance to the Pacific was definitely one of them.

"Any other last words?" An insane Enterprise grinned toothily at her.

"No…please…you promised us…peace. Think of the younglings…"

"Your soldiers tried to stop me from realizing my one goal. Who broke the peace now?"

"L-l-l-let's m-m-m-make a d-d-d-deal. Spare us, p-p-p-please?"

The War Demon sobbed in relief as she felt the pressure on her chest fade. The pressure immediately came back when she stared eye-to-eye with the hypnotic swirls in the unstable carrier's eyes.

"You will not trouble me any further from here to Japan," Enterprise waved a warning hand.

"I will not trouble you any further from here to Japan."

"You will not bother me if I return arm-in-arm with a kanmusu, or if I return downcast and emptyhanded."

"W-w-w-wha?! You're in-?! Wait, no! Don't hurt me! I will not bother you if you return in my domain."

"We shall not speak of this again."

"I, the mightiest War Demon of Midway and the West Pacific, Heiress to Hawaii and the Aleutian Islands, the Admiral of the Ocean Sea and the Old World, shall never say a word about this."

"And you owe me one."

"And I…owe you one."

"Move along, move along."

"I'll move along."

* * *

 _A few hours later…_

* * *

"My liege…"

"My liege!"

"GAH! Ack!" The War Demon trembled into wakefulness and glanced nervously at her subordinate. "Sorry, I just had a terrible dream."

"Oh, I wish that was a dream," the abyssal battleship shivered like a leaf before the War Demon's throne. "I'm afraid they're here."

" _Who?"_

"The entire United States Navy."

" _What?!"_

"Hey you," a shady-looking battleship with the number 61 blazoned on her chest pointed at the War Demon accusatorily. "Did you see a batshit crazy carrier pass through here?"

"Uh…uh…uuuu…" the abyssal could almost _feel_ Enterprise's ghostly form hovering dangerously close to her right shoulder. "I don't think so?"

"Judging from the fact you look like you're about to shit bricks I take that as a yes," the American sighed. "Now listen up. Given the strange circumstances I've been given orders to offer you a deal. Promise us safepassage through your waters, and we won't take advantage of the situation to seize all of your holdings. Now, as the 'Big Stick,' I gotta say that saying 'yes' is in your best interests, but feel free to give us Americans an early Christmas present by saying 'no.'"

"YES!" the War Demon screamed. "I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"

"Your move," Iowa rolled her eyes. "Now if you will excuse me, I'm going to have to hustle the destroyers along before they wreck the place."

The War Demon could only look on in horror as Iowa gave the signal, and what seemed like an entire legion of destroyers, carriers, and cruisers began marching westward. She gulped and turned nervously to the abyssal battleship.

"This is getting out of hand, now there are hundreds of them."

* * *

O! The view! Japan was in her sights!

Enterprise checked her phone for her last (sane) text message to the kanmusu in question. Yes, there was no denying it, she was still in Yokosuka! And now she would reveal her undying adoration to said kanmusu…

Wait, shouldn't she buy her crush a gift first? Chocolate? Food? American equipment? Maybe she should also serenade her, that seemed quite romantic…

Any further plans were quickly upset by the hum of American planes behind her and the silhouettes of destroyers to her front.

"Oi! E!" Lo Yang gave a wave as she radioed in. "As much as we love you and your little 'enterprise,' you should go back home!"

"I should have known that you all were plotting to capture me."

"E, you've gone full yandere! You almost broke the treaty with the-"

"From my point of view you're a yandere!"

"What?! That made no sense!"

"Then you're my enemy!"

"Keep stalling her Benson, I'm also in position!" Saratoga shouted as her planes prepared to drop a sedative on Enterprise. Much to her concern, Enterprise didn't seem fazed by this.

"It's over Sister Sara! I have a smoke screen!" In a flash the Yorktown's position was obscured from view, a moving white cloud the only sign that there was ever something there.

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Saratoga was hardly upset by this turn of events. What did Enterprise think this was, a game? All she had to do was estimate the carrier's trajectory, fly ahead and into the smokescreen, and then-Wait, was that Mikasa's museum hull dead ahead?

"Break off!" she waved frantically, and her fairy pilots reluctantly followed suit. The auburn carrier could only sigh in defeat as Enterprise rematerialized and did a happy dance on Yokosuka soil.

The race was indeed over; she was on Japanese ground. She was the JMSDF's problem now, not theirs.

* * *

 _Clink. Clink._

"Care for a drink?" the pre-dreadnought offered a cup nonchalantly. Apparently, it was perfectly normal to witness a ship girl make a mad dash for Japan and then laugh madly upon contact.

Personally, Enterprise would have preferred to avoid teatime. She couldn't see the benefits of teadrinking, and Mikasa wasn't the kanmusu she was looking for.

But maybe there was _some_ benefit to chatting with the ancient battleship. After all, Enterprise had (somewhat guiltily) made a small fortune betting on Mikasa and Aurora becoming a thing. True, the two Tsushima veterans still had no romantic interest in each other, but it did seem like their friendship was now warmer than the Arctic tundra (hey, that was a big improvement). Maybe she would have some insight into how to get along with a former enemy, and even divulge the interests of…a certain Japanese ship girl.

"Yes, please."

"Eat up," Mikasa said encouragingly. "You've certainly given me and the others a lot of entertainment the past few days," she added, holding up a report titled "OFFICIAL SECNAV ENTERPRISE TRACKER: WHERE IS OUR CRAZY CARRIER NOW?"

"I'm glad," Enterprise returned bites. She hadn't realized how hungry she was, though perhaps she should save some room in case-ack!don'tthinklikethatdon'tthinklikethat…

"No need to ask, I can see it on your face," Mikasa smirked as she studied the carrier's inquisitive gaze. "I know what you're about to ask, and I must say that you have my utmost condolences. It's quite tragic, really. I can say with absolute certainty that she reciprocates your feelings, but…I'm afraid she's not here right now."

"Where is she?" the Yorktown demanded, her mind on the brink of going berserk.

"In the chaos that followed your precipitous departure," that sinister smile was now an all-out, Sith-like grin, "she was ordered to sortie...to San Diego…"


End file.
